Greg MD Blog

Journal Entry: The Afterthoughts of My Feelings

Dear Self,

Lately, I’ve been sitting with these thoughts and emotions I’ve carried for years but never fully unpacked. Back in 2018, when I finally discovered who my father was, the excitement I felt was something I can’t even describe. It was like opening a door to a part of my life I never knew existed. My mind filled with questions: What kind of man was he? What kind of life had he lived? I had visions and imaginations of him, ones that felt so vivid and real—almost like they were part of me all along. Looking back now, I wonder… were those images hopes, dreams, or just my heart wanting to fill in the blanks?

I remember the first day I met his family. The excitement of starting this new chapter was overwhelming in the best way. Driving up to Michigan felt like a journey not just in miles, but in meaning. I had never traveled that far north before. The small town where he and his siblings grew up was beautiful, quiet, and full of history. At the time, I didn’t know much about him or them, but I was eager to find my place.

In that moment, I was caught up in the now. Maybe that wasn’t fair to myself, not stopping to think about what might come next. I believed I had found a place in my father’s family. But with time, I’ve come to realize those feelings were short-lived. Over the years after that first visit, I kept trying to fit in—trying to convince myself that I belonged. But deep down, I know now that I was only fooling myself.

My energy slowly drained. Looking back brought more sadness than comfort. The more I reflected, the more I felt distance growing between me and them—not just physically, but emotionally. It wasn’t that anyone did anything wrong. No one was intentionally pushing me away. It just… was. The bond I imagined didn’t grow the way I hoped it would.

Eventually, I found myself pulling back. I stopped engaging, stopped reaching out. I was tired—exhausted, really—from overextending myself, trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to be. And I’ve had to accept that.

This past year has been a time of deep reflection for me—not just about them, but about all my relationships: family, friends, even romantic ones. I’ve started making changes in my life to protect my peace and prioritize my emotional well-being. I want to make it clear that no one in this story is a bad person. That’s not what this is about.

My self-reflection has brought me here—to this point where I realize I never prepared myself for the afterthoughts. I never stopped to think about what would happen once the excitement faded and reality settled in. The truth is, there was no stable bond to fall back on. And now, I find myself dealing with the aftermath of my parents’ decisions—a creation of circumstances I didn’t ask for but one I now have to navigate.

I never imagined I’d be here, almost rebuilding my life under a new identity—one that includes this experience but isn’t defined by it. It’s been a journey filled with emotional highs and lows. Some days, I feel strong and empowered, ready to face whatever comes next. Other days, I feel lost and disconnected, questioning where I really belong.

And that brings me to this question: Have others felt this way too? Have people experienced these emotional roller coasters—where hope and excitement are quickly followed by sadness and distance?

If nothing else, writing this helps me breathe a little easier tonight.

Written by: —Greg MD