When did these feelings start? Over time, I have questioned myself about these intense feelings and many thoughts I can’t answer. I have been in turmoil, fighting a potential killer inside that keeps recurring more often. I keep suppressing these thoughts, but they have become stronger over the last few years. Are others who have these feelings or thoughts the same as I do?
Why do I feel this way? I need to go back in time and re-evaluate my life. I have been through difficulties since I was a baby. I was in the middle of my parent’s arguments and fights as far as I can remember. I have experienced kidnapping and sexual assault. I saw fighting and disputes, including car chases with my parents. We would crash into the other car. I have seen weapons pulled on each other’s parents. I have seen several bodies shot. This includes attempted murder as well as murder. My life is a book of lies, deception, and secrets. I am dealing with the aftermath of these emotions. I remember a dear friend, Faye Cordet. She would say in many conversations that I have many books on writing based on my life. Before 2018, my life changed from what I knew. It changed to a different life today. I am trying to make all the wrongs right. After 2018, I have settled into my new life and now question what I am doing. In the past, I have felt stable and strong, knowing who I am with a plan of direction and control. Today, my self-esteem and confidence are more broken than I admit.
Why do I feel I’m at the end? The loneliness of feelings I see in the world around me seems superficial. I have had many suicidal thoughts over the last few years, which I know is unlike myself. I fear taking my own life because of all my childhood experiences, yet with no control. I feel, at times, that things are spinning out of control. I am questioning my relationships with family and friends. I am trying to understand the meaning or purpose of these relationships. I want to know what value they contribute to my life. I feel as if I am withdrawing into seclusion to the point of isolation and keeping quiet. Keeping quiet is dangerous because I see no point in returning once I go down that rabbit hole.
Why have I not acted on these feelings? I wear a mask as people see or think I have it together. Yet, little do they know I am dying inside. I visualize my death, how to take my life, and when it will happen. I fight daily not to masquerade on these feelings of emotion. I am not sorry for myself or the attention, but I am not good enough. I walk these pavements seeking something else, and I’m unsure what that can be. All I can do is stay busy, but I’m sweeping my tribulation under the carpet that can manifest a result. I fear most of those dark thoughts. Sometimes, my vision is cloudy, and my soul feels dark. I am fighting the devil within, but I keep those feelings at bay today. I am losing this battle!!!
Written by: Greg MD
Greg MD Blog 
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